Monday, October 8, 2012
Turning 30 happens
It is a number that I'm claiming as a New Year's Resolution. It's a new 'year' of life for me after all.
And I did spend so much of 29 anxious, sad, and just not 'ok'. It's not that 29 was a BAD year, it just wasn't great for me.
I still struggle daily with not having a 'leave the house and go to work-job' and yet feel as though I am failing miserably at times at my job of being a Stay at Home Mom. The laundry, the dishes, the daily up keep of daily life, fell by the wayside while I would just sit and do nothing.
The other job of property manager takes it's daily toll as tenants continually lie to me, screw me out of money, and mess up my properties...it grates on my already frazzled nerves.
I spent a good amount agonizing more and more over how I was so miserable with my body and my looks, and yet I did nothing about it. One thing I did try to do was not complain so loudly about it, as to not damage my own little girl with the hurtful things I think about myself.
I came to the heartwrenching realization that I don't have 'babies' anymore. I have kids. I have two wonderful, beautiful, hilarious kids. But no more babies...and it hurts. It hurts in a way that, just...just sucks I guess. There is no way to really put it into words.
I went through the 7 year itch, where I was discontented and curious and questioned everything about my married life and decisions...and hit a place where I was having that Reba song "Is there Life out there?" run through my brain on repeat.
And with all of those things going on in my head, it was not a great place to be. That was 29.
I don't want to be that way for 30.
I want to be happy. I want to be healthy (physically AND mentally). I want to strong and determined.
I'd like to like me again, because it's been a long time since I have.
I want to sing more-out loud, maybe while I'm cooking, because it's fun.
I want to turn the tv off and listen to the radio more.
I want to disconnect from electronics and turn to books more.
I want to follow through on plans for actual physical visits with people.
I'll say it again, I'd like to like me again. I spend so much time and energy into being Mom, Mrs., Donna Reed, and Landlord that I've gotten lost somewhere in the shuffle. And I miss me.
So here is to hoping I can stick with my New Year's Resolution, maybe I'll start a new trend that THIS is when I make them, instead of January.